Sunday, 19 June 2011

I can't breathe

From Gen’s diary. 

I can’t breathe properly. It’s like someone has their knee on my chest. Or like I’m lying on the ground while someone places stone after stone onto me and, as the earth won’t give, there is no space left for air.  I feel faint and dizzy and my heart keeps jumping; like it can’t settle; can’t feel comfortable in my body. 
Sam says I’m probably anaemic. That I should eat properly, and I know I should.  But really, why? What is the point?  What is the point of anything anymore?

I dream I’m on a rollercoaster which just keeps going up and up and up and up.  I cannot believe anything can go that high.  I see mountains below me and the air becomes thin. Again I gasp for breath.  And I think, what am I doing here?  I hate rollercoasters, they terrify me.  But I had been lulled into a false sense of security. I thought he was by my side and, when he is by my side, I am not scared of anything.  But I am alone.  And so so frightened.
I wake, panting, gasping for air.  And for a moment I feel relieved; so relieved that the dream stopped before the rollercoaster could pause at the summit and then start its sickening descent;  its vertical drop into oblivion.  And then I remember, with a lurch...

Betrayed.  How could he?  All this time I have been tormented: wanting, missing, yearning, hunting, planning, hoping.  And he?  He wasn’t in hell at all.  Was he ever?  No.  Did he ever think of me?  Ever?
And I fall asleep crying.  And the dream changes.  This time I am approaching a ridge.  The stench of sulphur and cordite snatches at my throat and I gag.  Yes, you can smell in dreams.  Of course you can.  Can’t you?  I crawl on my belly, knowing I have to look.  And.. as I peer over the top, I see Hell... 

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