I can't breathe

From Gen’s diary. 

I can’t breathe properly. It’s like someone has their knee on my chest. Or like I’m lying on the ground while someone places stone after stone onto me and, as the earth won’t give, there is no space left for air.  I feel faint and dizzy and my heart keeps jumping; like it can’t settle; can’t feel comfortable in my body. 
Sam says I’m probably anaemic. That I should eat properly, and I know I should.  But really, why? What is the point?  What is the point of anything anymore?

I dream I’m on a rollercoaster which just keeps going up and up and up and up.  I cannot believe anything can go that high.  I see mountains below me and the air becomes thin. Again I gasp for breath.  And I think, what am I doing here?  I hate rollercoasters, they terrify me.  But I had been lulled into a false sense of security. I thought he was by my side and, when he is by my side, I am not scared of anything.  But I am alone.  And so so frightened.

I wake, panting, gasping for air.  And for a moment I feel relieved; so relieved that the dream stopped before the rollercoaster could pause at the summit and then start its sickening descent;  its vertical drop into oblivion.  And then I remember, with a lurch...

Betrayed.  How could he?  All this time I have been tormented: wanting, missing, yearning, hunting, planning, hoping.  And he?  He wasn’t in hell at all.  Was he ever?  No.  Did he ever think of me?  Ever?

And I fall asleep crying.  And the dream changes.  This time I am approaching a ridge.  The stench of sulphur and cordite snatches at my throat and I gag.  Yes, you can smell in dreams.  Of course you can.  Can’t you?  I crawl on my belly, knowing I have to look.  And.. as I peer over the top, I see Hell... 

On Protecting Oneself from Demons

Can you summon demons?  Oh yes.  Should you summon demons?  Probably not.  

Actually demons tend to find us, rather than vice versa.  And when they do?  Well then…you can’t run…you couldn’t run fast enough.  You could fight.  Fighting is always an option.  But you need to be strong.  Before it gets to that stage, you need to protect yourself. 

Kate Bush obviously knows about this.  In her song, Lily, she includes a potent Kabbalistic protection ritual… listen to it…

And she’s right. You can protect yourself with the Elements. With Angels. With Fire.

Stand up straight.  Imagine yourself here, now.  Your feet are rooted on the ground, solid, protected by Earth.  Now feel yourself straighten, as if someone had affixed a string to the top of your scalp and were softly tugging it.  You are connected to Heaven by Air.  Your shoulders relax; your chest softens.  You are pulled to your heart by Fire.  Your hips are centred; your tail tucked under. You are drawn to your sexuality by Water. 

Now then.  Stretch out your hands ahead of you.  Say out loud, or in your head: “In the East, Raphael.”  Imagine a great figure, his face the brightness of the sun, his robes shimmering amber and gold, standing before you. A flaming pentragram shoots out to the furthest point in space and reflects back Divine Light.

Sweep your hands up over your head so your fingers point behind you. “In the West, Gabriel.”  Another vast figure protects your back – you can feel rather than see the great wings of violet and silver, folded; sense his green eyes.  Again, sense that pentagram shooting out.

Stretch out your right hand.  “In the South, Michael.”  Orange cloak thrown back to reveal his breastplate of gold; his sword tinged with fire.  And again, a pentagram... 

Stretch out your left hand. “In the North, Uriel.”  A figure so tall, so silent. He is robed in black and yellow, his eyes grey and far-seeing, so sharp it is said he can see infinity.  And yes, once more, to infinity indeed (maybe not beyond!).

“I stand tall and strong, in the circle of Fire.  About me flame the Pentagrams; behind me shines the Six-Rayed Star.  Above my head is the Glory of God, in whose hands is the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory, for ever and ever. Amen.”

There are mantras too...protect yourself by chanting them on a daily basis, to attune yourself with the powers of Light...

This is the one Kate Bush uses....

The Gayatri

O Thou who gives sustenance to the Universe,
From Whom all things proceed,
And to Whom all things return,
Unveil to us the face of the true Spiritual Sun,
Hidden by a disc of golden light,
That we may know the truth,
And do our whole duty
As we journey to Thy Sacred Feet.

Or there is this...

Mantram of the Disciples

I am a point of light within a greater Light.
I am a strand of loving energy
Within the stream of Love divine.

I am a point of sacrificial Fire,
Focused within the fiery Will of God.
And thus I stand.

I am a way by which men may achieve.
I am a source of strength, enabling them to stand.
I am a beam of light, shining upon their way.
And thus I stand.

And standing thus, revolve
And tread this way the ways of men,
And know the ways of God.
And thus I stand.

“The potency of a mantra (or mantram) depends upon the point in evolution of the one who uses it. Uttered by an ordinary person it serves to stimulate the good within and to protect. It will also prove of beneficent influence upon one's life and environment. Uttered by an adept or initiate its possibilities for good are infinite and far-reaching.”
 A Treatise on Cosmic Fire, by A.A. Bailey

Then again....you could simply not go after demons in the first place...  :)

Gen should have thought about this...If only she'd known...right back when it all began....